A Little Worse Than Mediocre

On Friday I was in an elementary school classroom for 3 hours, meaning I've spent at least 6 total hours in that class this quarter. I love those kids, but I had a really hard time connecting to them. And now I'm bummed. :(

Part of the problem was that the class was in absolute chaos for most of the day. The teacher realizes that the class has a variety of students at different reading and math levels, so she divides the class into sections. Thus, a third of the class is working on one thing while the other two thirds are doing something completely different. Then, one part of the class will finish and run around while others are still working. Pretty soon, one group is running around killing time, another is working on spelling, and another group is taking a math test. Let me tell you, those kids do not want to do much of anything quietly. Furthermore, as soon as I figure out how to help a group of kids with a reading assignment, another reading group needs help, but their assignment is totally different, so I have to figure out the answer to a puzzle about a story I never read. Most of the time I feel pretty useless.

When I can't help them with their classwork, I walk around and try to chat with the kids about various things, but they don't seem like they want to talk to me; they want to do their own things with their own friends. How the heck do I reach these kids?

I left the school feeling pretty lousy about how I didn't reach most of them. Then I started thinking about what I would do with them if I was their teacher. I wouldn't allow for such chaos, for one thing. Because I'm the bad guy trying to get the kids to do their work rather than draw pictures and throw markers at each other, they would rather me not be there. Basically, the kids just want to play. And I understand that. School's boring. When I'm a teacher, I'll try to make the kids want to do the work. Easier said than done, though. It just seems like there needs to be more appeal in doing the work than in goofing off whenever possible.

Maybe I'm portraying this classroom incorrectly. These kids are very smart, and many of the students were trying very hard. But because of the chaos and confusion, few students were focused on finishing their work. After 15 minutes of struggling, they were ready to be done.

Okay, so how am I going to reach these kids next week? I definitely won't try to prevent them from being hyper elementary school kids. Last time I tried that, some kids got into a shoving match which I couldn't break up because I couldn't touch them. It was the teacher who yelled at them to get them to stop; that's her job, not mine. When I'm a teacher, I'll be the one in charge of keeping order in the classroom. But now, I'll be there to manage the kids that need help with the school work. Plus, the kids that were goofing off were the ones that had a pretty good grasp on the work they were doing.

I've been thinking about the management and organization of this classroom. There will always be several different groups of kids at varying levels in any classroom. How am I going to challenge the kids that are ahead and help the kids that are behind? Dividing up the work seems like a logical solution, but then the risk is of dividing up the class into "smarter" and "dumber." This is going on in the classroom where I volunteer, and the kids at higher level rub their intelligence in the faces of the kids that are behind. The kids are disrespectful in general. I can talk all I want about how I'll manage kids in my own classroom and how I'll do away with all disrespect and chaos while forming a utopia in the classroom, but I know it probably won't happen. I guess where my skills are lacking is in discipline. Psh, I know I'm lacking in discipline skills. But again, this is not my place to discipline kids.

Okay, my rant is over.

-Elie

Feeling Pretty Mediocre

One of the first things that happened today was a confrontation with my hopefully-future math professor. He basically told me I'll have to fend for myself in order to get into his popular statistics class. I was hoping he could save me a spot, but I guess not. So I thought "Shoot. This day is going to suck since the first thing that happened was me getting bad news."

So then I successfully snuck up on Jon, got a hug, and had a decent clarinet lesson. Then I thought "this day might not be so bad..."

I managed to stay awake in anthropology and not be too spiteful that I got an B+ on a paper I thought I wrote well. It's kind of funny, because I got an A- on my last anthro paper and I was really upset, but with this B+, I know I wrote a good paper. The professor's prompt just sucked. So I may not be able to write what he wants, but I can write well in general, and I guess that makes me feel better.

Next I got my history paper back and got 17.5 out of 20 - a 0.5 point improvement. I was pretty happy but not ecstatic. As I walked to band I thought "This day is probably going to suck as soon as some more bad news pushes me over the edge."

Band was decent, and so was SWEA later that night. And now I'm sitting in my apartment with not a whole lot of homework and not being horribly stressed. It suddenly dawned on me that this day was neither bad nor good. It was just mediocre. Then I realized that this whole quarter has been mediocre. I'm getting mediocre grades, and my stress level is neither minimal nor incredibly high (sometimes). What can I do to feel great and not mediocre? Being happy would be awesome!

What's getting me through school is mentoring and tutoring kids. I look forward to Tuesdays when I can *try to* read to 1st graders. As that excitement wears off, I become excited to see my 5th graders on Friday. I spend a whole 4 hours with kids each week, and I always wish I had more, so I get a little depressed, especially when I just hung out with kids and then must do homework. It's the ultimate let-down. The good news is that I'm trying to set up a mentoring program with the local high school, so hopefully I'll get to spend even MORE time with kids.

When I catch myself wishing I was tutoring, mentoring, or just hanging out with kids, I make myself more happy by knowing that I have a passion for teaching and learning and just being around those kids. I know for sure that I want to teach, and I can't wait to stop taking history, anthropology, math, English, and any other poorly-taught college course so I can have my own classroom.

Against my better judgement, I recently started reading a book I bought over the summer: Teach With Your Heart by Erin Gruwell. It's so amazing and inspiring, and I find myself reading that book when I should be working on a paper or reading for a class. I mentioned this in a previous blog, but I really look up to Erin. She was a "privileged" white, middle-class girl who didn't know how to help her students. She just knew she wanted to make a difference, and she worked hard in order to help her students in any way she could. She's a lot like me. I know that in a few years I'll be teaching at some inner-city school where kids can't relate to me and don't want to learn what I'm trying to teach, but I know that I'll prevail somehow. Reading this book is my escape from the chaos, stress, frustration, and disappointment that is college.

Okay, so maybe you're thinking: "If you hate college and your classes so much, why do you want to be a teacher?" I can't stand my classes because they're poorly taught. The subject material is fascinating, and I know that I could make this material come alive if I was teaching it. Mind you, I'd need the knowledge first. A good teacher or professor makes all the difference, and I'm confident that I can eventually become a teacher who can make that difference. But I'm not being unrealistic. I'm expecting to make loads of mistakes and fail a lot along the way.

This is what's keeping me from being upset with my mediocre life.

-Elie