I Don't Think I Like Music Anymore

Coincidentally, Jon just wrote a blog entry about music. Now it's my turn to talk about music - well, this will be more of a rant, I do believe.

So, I had a clarinet lesson on this delightful Wednesday morning like aways. And it sucked - like always. And I'm not just saying that. I almost always leave my lesson with my confidence and self-esteem crushed as I choke back the tears. No exaggeration. But today, I realized that I'm just not good at the clarinet. I think my lack of talent is due to the fact that I've never had private lessons and my middle school band program was severely lacking, which explains why I can't count and have a horrible sense of rhythm. I'm years behind most people in college and even high school, and it'll take years to bring me up the level I should be at. I've been playing for nearly nine years, yet it sounds like I've only been playing for half that number. Half of nine is...? Jon, help! (...kidding.)

Symphonic band just makes me realize how lousy of a band it truly is. I want to be out of that band and into wind ensemble really badly, but I know that, in truth, my odds of getting admitted to wind ensemble and then succeeding in that band is very slim. I'm simply not up to the level that I need to be at.

Then came Whatcom Wind Ensemble. I pretty much gave up on the music today because I know I won't be able to get it by the time we have a concert. It's not that I can't play the music; I just can't pull it together with just one rehearsal a week. Again, I'm just not up to the level that the rest of the band is at.

I left Whatcom Wind Ensemble feeling pretty miserable and thanking Allah that I'm not a music major, because I would be completely screwed. I'm only slightly screwed as a music minor. Oh, and the ironic thing is that I was admitted to the music program today. But now I don't know if it's something I want to do. Originally, my plan was to minor in music so that it would help me in the future when I would be in a musical group or two for the rest of forever. Now I'm so discouraged that I'd rather not pick up my clarinet for fear of disappointing myself. And it's so frustrating because, more than anything, I want to be good at the clarinet, but I just can't do it. Lessons are helping, yes, but not enough and not fast enough. I feel like I need a private tutor every day of the week.

There was a moment or two when I considered hanging up my clarinet for good (so to speak - one can't really hang up a clarinet), but I know I could never do that. I love it so much, but I wish I didn't. Then I could move on with my life and stop being so frustrated and my own lack of ability. So I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know if I should just do the minimum I can to scrape by in lessons and band or if I should continue working hard each day to make myself the best I can. The latter option sounds the best, right? I've been using that method for all the years I've been playing and I'm still far behind. Any suggestions?

--Elie