Stress Sickness

I may literally be making myself sick with stress. Every time I start thinking about all the stuff I have to do and have to think about, my stomach gets all crazy-bad-feeling. This is the Least Fun Thing. On top of it, I'm doing that teenage-meta-angst thing where I feel even worse about acknowledging that I feel bad. GO AWAY, FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF.

I'll avoid making a list of all of the things I've done wrong or forgotten in the past 24 hours, but let's say it's a bit daunting, and this is probably the worst I've felt about something that is entirely my fault in years. I post this on a somewhat public (although probably pretty unread) blog because somehow, at some level, it feels good to admit this. SHIT FUCKING SUCKS RIGHT NOW. AND THAT IS OKAY. It WILL get better. I will make it get better. I will drag myself by my teeth through this mess and come out on the other side. It won't be perfect. Fuck, it might not even be good. But at least it will be over.

Fortunately, this isn't the way I do everything in life. I'm usually okay. I'm just in a bad spot for awhile. And mentally, emotionally, physically, I can't give 100% to everything that I need to do. I don't know why. Some people can. Do I have ADD or some other crazy shit? Probably. But I'm not going to get treatment for it anytime soon, so I have to do the best with what I have. And for some people, that won't be good enough. Sorry.

I've gone too long beating myself up and being beat up (figuratively, not literally) for not being good enough, and I'm not going to take it anymore. So yeah, I'm wasting time right now. But doing shit like this helps my mind make sense of it all. Although at some point I do need to stop babbling. Let's make that point now.

--Jon