A week or so ago I auditioned to be in pep band so that I'll get paid to play. But I'd have to be there for every home volleyball and basketball game. It sucks away time like none other, to say the least. Well, I got in - one of two clarinetists. The other is a soon-to-be senior clarinet performance major/my friend. So it should be fun and it'll keep me more busy than I want to be, but I can't do something half-way. So I'm officially a "hard core" band member. Essentially, I've sold my soul to the music department, but I'm pretty happy about it.
I had my first clarinet jury today. It sucked. Bad. I was feeling really good about the music in general because I could play it very well in the practice room. Then, once I got in front of people, in a room that sounds very different, and with my shaking limbs and inability to breathe, I choked. Not literally, though. The first slow piece was alright but it could have been so much better. I was more concentrated on my shaking and trying to stand up than how I was playing. The second piece, half of a fast etude, was horrendous. I couldn't get through a full phrase to save my life and the articulation and dynamics were messy. I have yet to receive my "grade" for the jury and the comments, but I'm dreading it. It makes me aware that I probably won't get into wind symphony if I can't play without getting incredibly nervous. It's so frustrated because I can play those pieces very well, but not when I have to. Maybe the judges should just stand outside my practice room. ... But there is the option of taking some sort of drug that they hand out at the student heath center. It calms nerves and makes it easier to play, but it kind of turns you into a zombie, so to speak, according to Zoro. But I don't want to drug myself. I did briefly consider it because I just want to play a good audition for a change. So I dunno what to do. I don't want to be stuck in symphonic band for the rest of my life because I'm too nervous to play in front of people. Gah.
--Elie
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