Stress Sickness

I may literally be making myself sick with stress. Every time I start thinking about all the stuff I have to do and have to think about, my stomach gets all crazy-bad-feeling. This is the Least Fun Thing. On top of it, I'm doing that teenage-meta-angst thing where I feel even worse about acknowledging that I feel bad. GO AWAY, FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF.

I'll avoid making a list of all of the things I've done wrong or forgotten in the past 24 hours, but let's say it's a bit daunting, and this is probably the worst I've felt about something that is entirely my fault in years. I post this on a somewhat public (although probably pretty unread) blog because somehow, at some level, it feels good to admit this. SHIT FUCKING SUCKS RIGHT NOW. AND THAT IS OKAY. It WILL get better. I will make it get better. I will drag myself by my teeth through this mess and come out on the other side. It won't be perfect. Fuck, it might not even be good. But at least it will be over.

Fortunately, this isn't the way I do everything in life. I'm usually okay. I'm just in a bad spot for awhile. And mentally, emotionally, physically, I can't give 100% to everything that I need to do. I don't know why. Some people can. Do I have ADD or some other crazy shit? Probably. But I'm not going to get treatment for it anytime soon, so I have to do the best with what I have. And for some people, that won't be good enough. Sorry.

I've gone too long beating myself up and being beat up (figuratively, not literally) for not being good enough, and I'm not going to take it anymore. So yeah, I'm wasting time right now. But doing shit like this helps my mind make sense of it all. Although at some point I do need to stop babbling. Let's make that point now.

--Jon

Sometimes Awesome Things Happen

Tonight was one of those nights when awesome things happened.

At Amy's Place, wonderful church youth groups and other fabulous church-going people make and serve meals to Amy's Place on a regular basis. For many months, I thought, "Why can't a Jewish organization do the same? That would be so cool!" By chance, the campus Chabad organization wanted to get involved. Tonight, they made and served a great dinner to the homeless and street-involved youth at Amy's Place.

This night was awesome for several reasons.

1. There has never been a Jewish organization at Amy's Place. The kids know that they're supported by various churches, but showing them that they have the respect of [part of] the Jewish community hopefully meant a lot to them.

2. The kids at Amy's Place were interested. The rabbi, his wife, and the Chabad volunteers talked with the youth (which is more than most volunteers do) about Judaism. This was a huge step, because I don't think many of them understand what it means to be Jewish. Occasionally, I hear anti-Semitic comments from some of the youth, but seeing and talking with real, live Jews really opened their eyes. I hope.

3. Even the most unruly youth were intrigued and polite. I was unsure about how they would react with a bunch of orthodox Jews speaking in Hebrew and serving Jewish food, but there was more respect than I have seen in a long time.

Seeing the youth at Amy's Place and the Chabad members interacting was an amazing spectacle. In a way, it was just people hanging out, playing pool, and chatting. But on the other hand, these are two very different groups of people, groups that rarely interact. Tonight, we all took a step in repairing the world, tikkun olam.

--Elie

A Dream Come True?

OH MY GAWD I AM WRITING A BLOG.

I realized the other day that I may be fulfilling one of my greatest dreams. It's also the most selfish dream I have.

See, in high school band, I wasn't exactly treated fairly. I was told that I had "potential" but rarely got to work on that potential because I wasn't a favorite student of a certain band director (not mentioning names here). I would often leave band upset and frustrated, knowing that I wasn't being treated well. I didn't want all the solos I wasn't getting, but I wanted to prove I could play them. And I COULD play them. But over and over the solos were taken from me and my wonderful stand partner and given to a less-than-deserving clarinetist.

Now, I have a chance to show my band director how far I have come and how successful at the clarinet I really am. What a slap in the face it will be for him when he hears me playing a beautiful clarinet solo in Western's best band. Sure, the solo belonged to the other clarinetist sharing my part, but she is no longer in band. By default, the solo is in my hands (unless she randomly shows up again).

Call me vengeful, but I truly want to show my band director how incorrect he was about me. I want him to feel terrible about not giving me the chance to grow and show my true potential. I want him to regret treating me and so many other talented students so unfairly. The only way this will happen is if/when he sees me playing at the WMEA conference concert thing in February. Yep, WMEA conference concert thing. :|

--Elie