One of the first things that happened today was a confrontation with my hopefully-future math professor. He basically told me I'll have to fend for myself in order to get into his popular statistics class. I was hoping he could save me a spot, but I guess not. So I thought "Shoot. This day is going to suck since the first thing that happened was me getting bad news."
So then I successfully snuck up on Jon, got a hug, and had a decent clarinet lesson. Then I thought "this day might not be so bad..."
I managed to stay awake in anthropology and not be too spiteful that I got an B+ on a paper I thought I wrote well. It's kind of funny, because I got an A- on my last anthro paper and I was really upset, but with this B+, I know I wrote a good paper. The professor's prompt just sucked. So I may not be able to write what he wants, but I can write well in general, and I guess that makes me feel better.
Next I got my history paper back and got 17.5 out of 20 - a 0.5 point improvement. I was pretty happy but not ecstatic. As I walked to band I thought "This day is probably going to suck as soon as some more bad news pushes me over the edge."
Band was decent, and so was SWEA later that night. And now I'm sitting in my apartment with not a whole lot of homework and not being horribly stressed. It suddenly dawned on me that this day was neither bad nor good. It was just mediocre. Then I realized that this whole quarter has been mediocre. I'm getting mediocre grades, and my stress level is neither minimal nor incredibly high (sometimes). What can I do to feel great and not mediocre? Being happy would be awesome!
What's getting me through school is mentoring and tutoring kids. I look forward to Tuesdays when I can *try to* read to 1st graders. As that excitement wears off, I become excited to see my 5th graders on Friday. I spend a whole 4 hours with kids each week, and I always wish I had more, so I get a little depressed, especially when I just hung out with kids and then must do homework. It's the ultimate let-down. The good news is that I'm trying to set up a mentoring program with the local high school, so hopefully I'll get to spend even MORE time with kids.
When I catch myself wishing I was tutoring, mentoring, or just hanging out with kids, I make myself more happy by knowing that I have a passion for teaching and learning and just being around those kids. I know for sure that I want to teach, and I can't wait to stop taking history, anthropology, math, English, and any other poorly-taught college course so I can have my own classroom.
Against my better judgement, I recently started reading a book I bought over the summer: Teach With Your Heart by Erin Gruwell. It's so amazing and inspiring, and I find myself reading that book when I should be working on a paper or reading for a class. I mentioned this in a previous blog, but I really look up to Erin. She was a "privileged" white, middle-class girl who didn't know how to help her students. She just knew she wanted to make a difference, and she worked hard in order to help her students in any way she could. She's a lot like me. I know that in a few years I'll be teaching at some inner-city school where kids can't relate to me and don't want to learn what I'm trying to teach, but I know that I'll prevail somehow. Reading this book is my escape from the chaos, stress, frustration, and disappointment that is college.
Okay, so maybe you're thinking: "If you hate college and your classes so much, why do you want to be a teacher?" I can't stand my classes because they're poorly taught. The subject material is fascinating, and I know that I could make this material come alive if I was teaching it. Mind you, I'd need the knowledge first. A good teacher or professor makes all the difference, and I'm confident that I can eventually become a teacher who can make that difference. But I'm not being unrealistic. I'm expecting to make loads of mistakes and fail a lot along the way.
This is what's keeping me from being upset with my mediocre life.
-Elie
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