So I’m sitting on my bed in the dark, listening to an “inspiration” playlist I made myself (David Byrne & Brian Eno’s “Strange Overtones” was just on, and now it’s Grizzly Bear’s “Fine For Now”). I was playing Minesweeper, and before that Spider Solitaire, and before that Final Fantasy VI (didn’t know what I had to do, confused, then finally realized after getting really bored and didn’t care enough to prepare well enough to go to a dangerous place, so I gave up). I feel like I should write something, even though I have nothing to write about. Earlier I tried making music, but I felt totally uninspired. And I feel like I SHOULD be inspired. I often think, “Ooh, this would make an interesting song subject/title/theme/feeling/whatever,” but I fail at expressing it. I hope that composition classes will help me with these sorts of issues. And actually progressing in theory, ala NOT taking it from Chuck Israels. I think I made almost this exact same blog post awhile back, buuuuut oh well.
I’m excited to get back up to Bellingham. It’s obnoxiously difficult to hang out with people who are like “Oh, yeah, we should hang out…” and then totally bail or don’t call or don’t call back. At least once I get back to Bellingham, Elie will hang out with me even if she has poop-loads of homework to do (although she might do that homework while hanging out, that’s okay). I realized recently that I get very lonely very easily. Like Elie, I don’t care about “fitting in” as much as I care about being true to myself and what I believe to be right for me. Unfortunately, what I believe is often quite contrary to what others believe, and just the way I am generally isn’t as socially compatible with typical college kids. Or typical people. I’m not sure what it is. Other people are opinionated. Other people are goofy. Other people like weird music. I just feel like there’s other people up there in Bellingham that I could easily be great friends with… but I’m not. Why? We just never find each other? I guess so. Hopefully that will eventually change. I can’t complain too much, though. I still have great friends (that I don’t see enough : /) and the best girlfriend I could ask for. Yep, more sappy Elie/Jon love. That’s more than a lot of people have; I would venture to say more than most people have, even if they think they have it.
So some lighter fare: I got my radio show that I submitted! “All Things Epic” will premier Saturday, January 9, 2010 from 10 AM to noon, and will run every Saturday thereafter for the whole quarter at that time. Classical, metal, post-rock, chamber-pop, and other “epic music” is what it will consist of. Suggestions? I could always use some.
Merry Christmas?
Speaking of Christmas; the holiday means very little to me now. It’s especially confusing in a town like Sequim; nationwide, Christmas has essentially become a secular holiday (as it should be; separation of church and state FTW), with completely non-religious people celebrating it and wishing people “Merry Christmas.” But the fact remains that basically all Christians, the majority of America, take Christmas very seriously. In Sequim, a Christian-right bubble of “Fuck you if you’re not Christian!” attitude if there ever was one, whenever I hear “Merry Christmas!” I think, “What if I don’t celebrate your precious holiday?” Obviously they mean well. But in places like this, people do assume that everyone is a God-fearing Christian, like everyone obviously should be. And it’s a dangerous attitude; these are the kinds of mindsets that spark ethnocentrism, which in turn sparks all sorts of problems.
I probably sound like a Grinchy Scroogey cynic; I really WANT to like the holiday season, but it doesn’t help that my parents have all but completely given up on it except for the whole “Well, might as well gather some family members while everyone else is” part. I kinda want to just spend Christmas with someone else; but I don’t really know anyone whose house I might be invited into [editor-in-Jon’s-head note: how the hell do you write that sentence grammatically correctly?!]; Christmas is a family holiday, and my family has become totally indifferent. I haven’t even gotten anybody gifts yet, because I have no goddamn clue what to get anyone. I’m feeling a total lack of Christmas spirit. Or even a spirit of giving. Most people would probably confront this problem rather easily… but it’s totally rattling my brain and driving me crazy. I can only hope that I’ll find divine inspiration somewhere.
Ironically, the song playing now is Wilco’s “Jesus, Etc.” It’s a very pretty song.
--Jon [written 12/23/09, 1:20 AM]
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