Stress Sickness

I may literally be making myself sick with stress. Every time I start thinking about all the stuff I have to do and have to think about, my stomach gets all crazy-bad-feeling. This is the Least Fun Thing. On top of it, I'm doing that teenage-meta-angst thing where I feel even worse about acknowledging that I feel bad. GO AWAY, FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF.

I'll avoid making a list of all of the things I've done wrong or forgotten in the past 24 hours, but let's say it's a bit daunting, and this is probably the worst I've felt about something that is entirely my fault in years. I post this on a somewhat public (although probably pretty unread) blog because somehow, at some level, it feels good to admit this. SHIT FUCKING SUCKS RIGHT NOW. AND THAT IS OKAY. It WILL get better. I will make it get better. I will drag myself by my teeth through this mess and come out on the other side. It won't be perfect. Fuck, it might not even be good. But at least it will be over.

Fortunately, this isn't the way I do everything in life. I'm usually okay. I'm just in a bad spot for awhile. And mentally, emotionally, physically, I can't give 100% to everything that I need to do. I don't know why. Some people can. Do I have ADD or some other crazy shit? Probably. But I'm not going to get treatment for it anytime soon, so I have to do the best with what I have. And for some people, that won't be good enough. Sorry.

I've gone too long beating myself up and being beat up (figuratively, not literally) for not being good enough, and I'm not going to take it anymore. So yeah, I'm wasting time right now. But doing shit like this helps my mind make sense of it all. Although at some point I do need to stop babbling. Let's make that point now.

--Jon

Sometimes Awesome Things Happen

Tonight was one of those nights when awesome things happened.

At Amy's Place, wonderful church youth groups and other fabulous church-going people make and serve meals to Amy's Place on a regular basis. For many months, I thought, "Why can't a Jewish organization do the same? That would be so cool!" By chance, the campus Chabad organization wanted to get involved. Tonight, they made and served a great dinner to the homeless and street-involved youth at Amy's Place.

This night was awesome for several reasons.

1. There has never been a Jewish organization at Amy's Place. The kids know that they're supported by various churches, but showing them that they have the respect of [part of] the Jewish community hopefully meant a lot to them.

2. The kids at Amy's Place were interested. The rabbi, his wife, and the Chabad volunteers talked with the youth (which is more than most volunteers do) about Judaism. This was a huge step, because I don't think many of them understand what it means to be Jewish. Occasionally, I hear anti-Semitic comments from some of the youth, but seeing and talking with real, live Jews really opened their eyes. I hope.

3. Even the most unruly youth were intrigued and polite. I was unsure about how they would react with a bunch of orthodox Jews speaking in Hebrew and serving Jewish food, but there was more respect than I have seen in a long time.

Seeing the youth at Amy's Place and the Chabad members interacting was an amazing spectacle. In a way, it was just people hanging out, playing pool, and chatting. But on the other hand, these are two very different groups of people, groups that rarely interact. Tonight, we all took a step in repairing the world, tikkun olam.

--Elie

A Dream Come True?

OH MY GAWD I AM WRITING A BLOG.

I realized the other day that I may be fulfilling one of my greatest dreams. It's also the most selfish dream I have.

See, in high school band, I wasn't exactly treated fairly. I was told that I had "potential" but rarely got to work on that potential because I wasn't a favorite student of a certain band director (not mentioning names here). I would often leave band upset and frustrated, knowing that I wasn't being treated well. I didn't want all the solos I wasn't getting, but I wanted to prove I could play them. And I COULD play them. But over and over the solos were taken from me and my wonderful stand partner and given to a less-than-deserving clarinetist.

Now, I have a chance to show my band director how far I have come and how successful at the clarinet I really am. What a slap in the face it will be for him when he hears me playing a beautiful clarinet solo in Western's best band. Sure, the solo belonged to the other clarinetist sharing my part, but she is no longer in band. By default, the solo is in my hands (unless she randomly shows up again).

Call me vengeful, but I truly want to show my band director how incorrect he was about me. I want him to feel terrible about not giving me the chance to grow and show my true potential. I want him to regret treating me and so many other talented students so unfairly. The only way this will happen is if/when he sees me playing at the WMEA conference concert thing in February. Yep, WMEA conference concert thing. :|

--Elie

THE DISMEMBERMENT PLAN IS COMING TO SEATTLE

You won't see me get this excited about any band coming to Seattle very often. But let me tell you a little story.

Way back when, in my early high school days, I frequented a message board called "All Things Not Weezer." This message board had originally been one of many on Weezer's own website, before their fifth album Make Believe was released (the album that truly displayed their hatred of their fans and of good music). After the album was released, the message boards were reformatted on the website to a nigh-unusable state, and so the boards migrated to a Weezer fanpage. Eventually this board shut down, and the boards migrated to what I believe is their current location on some hidden ProBoard, lurking in the depths of a forgotten time...

Regardless, though, this message board was a happenin' place. It was full of often ruthless Weezer fans who no longer listened to Weezer, had grown up, some had kids and gotten married, most gone on to college and careers and the like. I, among others, was late to the game and was still in high school. Interesting topics were discussed. Music was, of course, among them.

At one point, I decided that I was tired of the bands that I knew of and was aware of, tired of the same old bands I was fed by Fuse (maybe even back when it was Much Music USA), MTV, and the radio. I decided to see what these old, cynical Weezer fans had to offer me with all their elitism and such. I don't remember what my specific questions were, but essentially I asked for new music, for entrance into the fold of the world that we often refer to as... INDIE.

Although they probably gave me more suggestions (some that I looked into and didn't like), two of their suggestions have stuck with me to this day: The Shins and The Dismemberment Plan. The former wasn't anything too terribly groundbreaking; it was more or less folk-rock-pop without the need to appeal to tweens and corporate execs. Still fantastic, though. The Dismemberment Plan, though... something struck a nerve with me. It was exciting, unheard-of, confusing, mind-boggling, and above all, AWESOME. Every band member was insanely talented, but they weren't just a bunch of show-offs. They had fun with their music. They usually had their tongues firmly planted in their cheeks, and when they didn't, they just vomited beauty in a way that I'd never heard before. I had to have more of them, and I had to see them live!

Unfortunately, they no longer existed. They had broken up just a couple of years before I discovered them, after touring the US. Band members went on to less successful acts (and less exciting acts), and then eventually fell into peaceful domestic lives as college professors, math teachers, Boeing employees... something along those lines.

A couple of years ago they reunited for a benefit concert for a friend. I was hoping they'd love it so much that they'd get back together for a longer period of time... but it was not to be. It was a one-off thing that their native fans of Washington, DC enjoyed immensely, and the rest of the world could not see.

Then, recently, they reissued their seminal 1999 album Emergency & I, and behind it decided to go on tour! ...Only around the east coast. Again, I was disappointed to find out I would probably never see one of my favorite bands live.

This morning I checked Facebook. I scrolled down the long list of posts that had happened since I checked it last night. I came across one by the Dismemberment Plan. On March 12th, 2011, they will be playing one show on the west coast before they return to their long slumber. This one show will be in Seattle, at the Showbox Sodo.

I literally started jumping up and down in my seat when I read this. FINALLY, after all these years, I would experience the dancing, the jumping, the grooving, the freak-outs, the insane fun that is said to occur at The Dismemberment's Plan's live shows. I would see them IN THE FLESH playing some of my favorite songs of the past 6 years. Happy birthday to me!!!

If I can get my hands on tickets before they sell out, that is...

--Jon

p.s. from several days later... I GOT MY HANDS ON TICKETS.

Songs to Cover

"Flying Dreams" from The Secret of NIMH
"Empty" by Metric
"Impossible Soul" by Sufjan Stevens [yeah... quite the project...] [maybe something else from Age of Adz]

"Daily Routine" by Animal Collective
everything from Pinkerton by Weezer

something by Broken Social Scene

something by Menomena

something by Grizzly Bear

more stuff probably

--Jon

P.S., Elie, I've written the past ten posts! I think it's your turn.

Songs of Which I Will Never, Ever Play Covers

"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen (usually played as it was by Jeff Buckley)
"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service (usually played as it was by Iron and Wine)

any other song played 439857349085734098573948 times by some guy with an acoustic guitar at an open mic.

--Jon

Forgetful Me

Perhaps as a direct result of what was discussed in my previous post, I have become more forgetful than ever. It seems the more things I take on at once, the more my brain is filled with things to think about, the more I forget stuff. I've gotten so forgetful I can't even remember all the things I've forgotten at various points thus far this quarter. They include but are not limited to: important papers for clubs, important details in club emails, baton, sheet music, studying for a test, assignments, wallet, cookies, lunch, doing laundry, showering, the fact that I need to wake up and not fall back asleep, backpack, why I'm holding Elie's water-bottle, watch, phone, dishes, eating dinner, that giving blood means lifting is harder, ensemble rehearsal, telling someone about ensemble rehearsal... I'll just stop there. I have too much shit to keep track of. For some people it may not be too much. For me it is.

And so I'd like to say, to all of you who have been affected by my inability to handle the workload I've taken on... I am sorry. It may continue for the rest of this quarter, maybe even the rest of this year, but next year I will handle myself better, because I will not do as many things. And my brain will not explode.

--Jon

P.S., on a totally unrelated note, I love Western. Just saying.

Finally In Over My Head

Well, well, well. It has been a while (but it's been even longer for Elie).

So it's my third year of college. My second year in the music program. It is kicking my ass. But it's not just the classes; I made the very unintelligent decision of committing to all of the following things, none of which I want to give up, very few of which I CAN give up any time soon:

-17 credits of classes (all music) (=8 classes total)
-Also playing on one piece in WWU Symphony Orchestra (not for credit)
-Secretary of WWU chaper of SWEA
-Vice-President of WWU chapter of CMENC
-Active member of SEE
-Volunteer DJ at KUGS 89.3 FM
-Percussionist in Whatcom Wind Ensemble
-Drummer in Viking Band/Drumline
-Hopefully playing in percussion ensemble
-Volunteer at Amy's Place for Youth
-Half of VR Trainers
-Soon to be employed by CFPA as stage tech
-Having a girlfriend that I want to see and hang out with sometimes
-Keeping my sanity

That last one is looking to be the one that will most likely be dropped in the coming months. In all seriousness, next quarter I will have to drop something. It will probably be Whatcom Wind Ensemble and KUGS. Possibly also SEE. Having a girlfriend isn't going to be dropped in the foreseeable future.

Anyways, I'm losing my mind. I can't concentrate, I'm sleeping less, I'm forgetting shit everywhere I go, I'm not putting as much time into a lot of things as I should... which is why I'm ending this blog now, doing laundry, cleaning my room, going to campus to practice, coming back and assembling a newsletter, renewing my subscriptions to MENC and SWEA, practicing conducting, eating something... I need to do that now.

--Jon

PERSONAL: An Album by VR Trainers

This is the latest from John von Volkli and I. Please enjoy carefully.

--Jon

5-10-15-20... Ripping off a Feature by Pitchfork

So here's music I liked at five year intervals (ala Pitchfork's feature where they interview people and ask them this) in my life because I can't sleep anymore but I don't want to "get up" yet.

AGE 5
Green Day -- Insomniac
I grew up on music my dad listened to, more or less. My mom listened to a lot of bad modern country in addition to what my dad's Beatles and Rolling Stones and Steve Miller and Allman Brothers and Fleetwood Mac. Lots of 70s rock. So when my brother brought home a cassette of this band called Green Day and started playing it on his shitty little tape player speakers, I was a bit excited. I'd never heard anything quite like it. When I tried singing along, my siblings encouraged me not to, because there were bad words! People in the songs weren't happy! My parents didn't like it! On top of it all, it was catchy. It was exciting. This was my introduction to modern alternative rock.

AGE 10
Weezer -- Weezer [The Blue Album]
"In the Garage" was the song that defined me pre-teen puberty years. I was nerdy, anti-social, "misunderstood," etc. This entire album felt like it could have been sung by me (at least that's what I felt like when I listened to it back then). Somehow it gave me strength to be like "YEAH, fuck everyone, I can be myself! ...By sitting alone in my bedroom and listening to Weezer and playing video games." Again, I discovered this album through my brother. While he was also getting into Sublime and various hip-hop and bad rap-metal... Weezer was the one band that sung to me. Even though Weezer was geeky and totally uncool... they were, paradoxically, the coolest band ever to me. In reality, I wasn't all that disillusioned or sad. I was just a little bit weird for a ten-year-old. Still, nothing made that weirdness feel as okay as Weezer. Several years later, their later albums would find their way into my hands, followed by their 1996 masterpiece sophomore effort, Pinkerton, which would firmly entrench their place in my musical heart.

AGE 15

Radiohead -- OK Computer

Winter/Spring 2005 was a rough time in adolescence. MySpace was the name of the game. Sad sad sad depressed depressed depressed, hoping someone would come save me from my own misery. Luckily, instead of dressing like a dark anime character and listening to bad, depressed pop-punk-emo, I got into Radiohead, which has since become my favorite band. Before this, all I had heard from them was a few songs from 2003's Hail to the Thief and all of 1995's The Bends. OK Computer (1997) turned out to be perfectly ironic for the me that wanted nothing more than to hide behind a computer screen and feel my social skills further devolve while listening to Thom Yorke wail about paranoia and the devolution of Western civilization in the face of technological evolution. And that was 8 years before I heard it all. At 15 years old I couldn't quite comprehend the scale of what Radiohead was getting at, but the music pretty much blew my mind. I didn't know guitars could make those noises! I didn't know those chord progressions were ALLOWED. I didn't know songs could be so crazy yet so amazing. Radiohead was my gateway drug to even crazier music... but they're still my favorite today.

AGE 20

Igor Stravinsky -- The Rite of Spring

I don't know if I will ever love a classical piece of music as much as this. If you've called my phone in the past year, you'd know that one of its memorable sections is my ringback tone (well, was... I didn't feel like paying $2 to renew it, and a lot of people hated it anyways). The Rite of Spring caused RIOTS when it was premiered. Many (such as myself) remember being terrified by it and the accompanying earth-birth/dinosaur scene from Disney's Fantasia. The piece was first accompanied by a ballet, the original choreography of which has been lost, but modern choreographers still manage to make incredibly horrifying and primal dances to go along with it today. Nothing has ever been able to achieve quite what Igor Stravinsky's ridiculous piece has. After going years having forgotten it, my Art of Listening to Music class reminded me of its fantastic horrors. I haven't looked back since. I can only dream of writing music so seemingly paradoxically visceral and intellectually challenging.

--Jon

Five (5) (V) Albums to Which I Have Been Listening Lately

In no particular order (except for when I think of them):

Sufjan Stevens -- All Delighted People EP

Until Friday, when my favorite project/genre/state-hopping singer/songwriter/storyteller/composer announced that he would be releasing a brand new full length album entitled The Age of Adz in October, I was confused as to why Stevens referred to this completely-out-of-nowhere album as an EP; it's 60 minutes long (most EPs are less than 30 minutes) and it's pretty dense (and excellent, I might add). Then, upon the aforementioned full-length announcement, I realized that this is more of a prelude to that full-length. Regardless, upon first excitedly listening to this album all the way through, sitting on my bed under the covers, laptop fulfilling its namesake (by sitting on my lap), Sennheiser headphones covering my ears... I was totally blown away. Fans of his hadn't had new recorded SONGS from him since 2006, when he released Illinois outtakes and a Christmas boxset. This was much-needed. Sufjan's voice is braver, but also more panicked. His orchestrations are more erratic and adventurous. His palette has expanded, now encompassing 70s prog, blues and psychedelia (although he had hinted at these colors previously, here they form the primary bases at several points). Of course, he also plays his old low-key-acoustic-whisper and haunting-piano-ballad cards, but this time around the cards are new and improved, breaking out in subtle but noticeable ways (whether using strange chord progressions, strange melodies, or even just drenching his vocals in reverb/delay). Throughout the entire "EP," powerful but ambiguous emotions take root and threaten to explode (at some times doing so with the energy of an atomic bomb, and with far more frequency than ever in his previous work), from the nails-on-chalkboard Psycho-esque ending of the title track to the several chanted climaxes of set-closer "Djohariah," which seems to be a heartfelt ode to his little sister and her troubles in life... in the form of an 18-minute Pink Floyd-inspired jam, choirs and brass invited. Perhaps my opinion of this album can be best represented by telling you what I did right after finishing listening to it for the first time: I went back to the beginning and listened to again, all the way through. Considering this is probably just a hint of what's to come, maybe even the leftovers to hold us over... I'm ecstatic for what's to come. Album of the year? I'm betting on it.

Okay, I can't talk that much about the rest of these albums...

The Knife -- Silent Shout

2006 was the year I started paying attention to indie music (ie, reading Pitchfork). At that point, evilly-catchy/catchily-evil electro-pop didn't sound appealing to me. Now it's my the perfect antiodte for summer boredom. So yes, I'm a little bit late to the game of realizing how awesome The Knife's 2006 LP is (especially this song; I cannot help but dance a little when I hear it). I don't really dance. When I do, it's more just bobbing around at the concerts of bands I really like, or bobbing around in front of my computer or while I'm driving or playing an instrument or something. I'm always really excited when I find dance music this inventive that actually makes me want to bob around unashamedly.

The Arcade Fire -- The Suburbs

My putting this album on this list might be a little bit misleading. Although I've been a pretty big fan of The Arcade Fire for several years... this is definitely my least favorite album by them. While most critics and fans have been adoring it, I find the great majority of it to be incredibly boring. Maybe it's the several songs that can be described as "moderate tempo, folky, major-key, four-chord shuffles," or the fact that the instrumentation this time around is profoundly unadventurous and low-key, or how Win Butler keeps repeating the same little slogans (ie, "the kids"), or just how incredibly PRETENTIOUS the whole thing is, from the album title to the tracklisting (ah yes, two-part songs (actually just two different songs that happen to have the same name). Regardless of my criticism for it, The Suburbs does have its high points. "The Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)" is a fun song, and I thoroughly enjoy "Ready to Start," "Empty Room," and "Month of May." Beyond that... most of it is just pretty damn mediocre to my ears; not enough over-the-top bombast for my Arcade Fire taste. And while they've tended to take themselves a bit too seriously for awhile now, at least on Funeral they sounded like they had fun writing the songs.

Yeasayer -- Odd Blood

Okay, I've only really been listening to a handful of songs from this album ("Madder Red" is my current favorite)... but I have a feeling the rest of it is about to grow on me. And that handful of songs is really interesting. The production on it reminds me a bit of Paul Simon's Graceland without just doing the whole indie-hipster-world-music-crossover thing (*coughvampireweekendcough*). They write fun pop-rock songs, and then make them really cool. The whole thing is very 80s-esque somehow. It's hard to explain. Again, haven't listened too much, need to listen more. Just take my word for it and listen yourself.

Broken Social Scene -- Forgiveness Rock Record

Broken Social Scene has been one of those bands for me where I remember a couple of songs, and I know the rest are good... they just don't stick in my head. They're always pleasant to listen, but I don't go to them very often. They're like that guy/girl you're not really friends with, but you have friends that know them pretty well, and they're always fun to hang out with, but you know you just don't care enough to actually "become friends" with them (On second thought... I don't think I actually know anyone like that. Maybe I do. I don't know. I'm too sleepy to think about this.). With this album, Broken Social Scene got rid of the excess members and sonic space-hoarders, slimming down to the core members and streamlining their sound. The result speaks for itself. This was a triumph. I'm making a note here: huge success. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction. Aperture Scie--er, the album is really good. I remember more songs. The album is easier to listen to all the way through without forgetting that you're listening to an album. You're no longer wincing trying to figure what instruments are playing where/when in that mess of musicians fighting for breathing room in the mix. It's more song-based rather than sonic-journey-through-a-low-budget-museum based. Take a listen for yourself. "Forced to Love" is my favorite track.

~ * ~

Okay, I need to go to sleep. I woke up at 5:50 this morning about, and it was about 2:00am before I finally got to sleep before that I think. So I'm a bit sleep deprived. BUT I'M IN BELLINGHAM. Today is a good day, because I am no longer in the old-people-colony that is Sequim.

--Jon

What Makes a Good Video Game [for Me]

I'm rather picky when it comes to video games. I generally don't enjoy first-person shooters, MMORPGs, or sports games. I've come to realize that there are a few important things I look for in a game that many other people probably don't really care about.

MUSIC
In order for me to fully enjoy a video game, it should have an appropriate soundtrack that goes far beyond background music and actually contributes to the mood of the game. Be this mood horror, sorrow, thrilling suspense, or pure unadulterated epicness, a game's soundtrack should fully complement the action that's taking place. My favorite movies tend to have excellent soundtracks as well. I guess being that music tends to consume my life (in a good way!), it's not surprising that video game music, of all things, would be so important to me.

GAMEPLAY
Probably a big ol' DUH. At least it should be. But people tend to buy those stupid Madden games every year. When it's essentially the same game. With slightly different teams. And nowadays not even slightly improved graphics. EA Sports has suckered in so many stupid, rich bros into buying sports games every year, so good for them, I guess? In any case, the game just needs to be FUN to play. It shouldn't be too much of a labor, or merely addicting, or anything like that. That's why I can't get into as many Western RPGs and MMOs; once you get down to it, the gameplay is really boring. You press attack, and then stand there. Sometimes you cast a spell. Then you run to the next guy, hoping to get a good random drop from each fight. Booooring. At least in something like Shadow of the Colossus, where you're running from fight to fight, the way to the fight is actually REALLY PRETTY and interesting, and then the fights themselves are epic as all hell. I'm also a big fan of interesting and inventive gameplay, ala Heavy Rain, Katamari, and Flower. A game should, in some way, entertain me.

STORYLINE
Sometimes this isn't so important, but games with interesting, emotional storylines tend to be my favorites. I'll often play video games for the same reason that people read and watch Harry Potter. I want to be sucked into a world with real characters making real decisions, having real effects on the world around them. This is why I love Final Fantasy. On top of the fantastic music that I already showcased, Final Fantasy has great storylines. It's not Shakespeare; there are sometimes gaping plot holes and completely undeveloped characters and shoddy writing in general, but the game is big enough that you can ignore the little things and focus on the big, epic picture. Even if the storyline is only implied through visuals, like in Flower, it can make or break a game. On the other hand, I can forgive games like Katamari, Fat Princess, and LittleBigPlanet for having outright stupid storylines, because those light-hearted games would suffer if they had some kind of immense story with heavy character development and such. But even games like Silent Hill or Metal Gear Solid need good stories to push them from "decent game" into "great game" territory.

~ * ~

That's, uh... that's it.

--Jon

Sequim: Land of Death

I have a friend named Joey who I met in high school and lived in Sequim for a long time before moving to Bellingham awhile after he graduated. I was talking to him about Sequim one time, and why we both didn't like it. He said one reason, maybe even the main reason, is because Sequim is a place where people go to die.

He was, of course, referring to Sequim's status as a huge retirement town. I think some magazine rated it one of the top retirement communities in the country (http://www.ehow.com/list_6018059_retirement-places-west-coast.html). Old people are the majority in Sequim. The median age is 59. The newspaper obituary is never empty. The overall mood of the town is affected by this, I think. Working at Radioshack, I see a lot of people at the ends of their lives, some holding on by a few threads. I'm always half-expecting someone to fall down dead in front of me. It's unnerving and depressing. I don't particularly enjoy thinking about or being around death. Maybe it's some supernatural thing where all the death in the town just gives off weird vibes. Or maybe it's just my dad being an asshole giving off weird vibes.

For whatever reason, I'm never as happy in Sequim. I never feel as good. I'm never as inspired to do anything. I don't enjoy life as much. I always just want to leave as soon as possible, or at least forget that I'm here by distracting myself with video games, friends (when they feel like calling me back), books, music, the internet via coffee shops and work, and anything else that can make me forget how miserable this town seems to make me. I've tried to tell myself it's all in my head, that I can be happy here. I'm beginning to think that I can't.

When I moved to Bellingham, my average happiness level went through the roof. Elie definitely had at least some sort of impact on this. But it was also being away from the old people of Sequim, the death, the warped and tired perspectives, finally being outside of the social/political/general-worldview bubble that is the northern Olympic Peninsula (I've lost count of the number of times people have come into Radioshack talking about TV or radio, in the process revealing that they basically just like to watch Fox News or listen to Rush Limbaugh/Glenn Beck). I enjoy being around people that at least try to know what they're talking about, people who want to be where they are... I don't know, I'm about to start babbling, so I'm just going to stop while I'm ahead. I need to stop writing depressing blogs; I swear I'm not as depressed as this makes me seem, I just can't stand being in Sequim and cannot wait to get back to Bellingham.

--Jon

Those Evil "Illegals"***

I don't know if you were all aware, but those Mexicans are all out to get us. Yep, it's true. They're invading from their foreign country specifically to take away our way of life from us those of us who work so hard to keep it. Those liberal hodge-podgers may tell you that they're just looking for an escape from the ridiculous hardships of their own country to find a better way of life, and anyone in their right mind would do the same, because what other reasons would they risk death from dehydration by crossing hundreds of miles across the Arizona desert for days... BUT THEY LIE.

No, those gorsh-durned "illegals" are out to get us. They want to be forced into jobs where they're underpaid (but still paid more than they would ever be in Mexico) under the table by the completely righteous and proud and Jesus-blessed American industrial farms, and then take advantage of the gaping holes in our welfare system, so that they can take away food stamps from the people that really deserve it, like my pregnant teenage daughter that I and my underfunded overly Conservative school district failed to teach proper sex education to!

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not racist, no sir. I have one friend whose great great grandmother was a Mexican! That right there proves I'm not racist. In addition, I thoroughly respect any Mexican who was born fortunate enough to come from a family that was able to get him the training to be considered "highly qualified" by our standards, then is able to jump through the endless hoops to be able to even be in the USA legally, let alone live here [see here for a detailed flowchart]. Yep, those people and no others deserve to be here. Undocumented workers from Canada and Europe are okay, though, because they're wh--er, uh... WELL THEY JUST ARE. THOSE MEXICANS ARE STEALING FROM US I TELL YOU. YEAH.

--Jon's Ignorant Evil Twin***

***The character portrayed by this post is fictional. Undocumented workers are human. They deserve our sympathy. If you were in their shoes, and you had the opportunity to risk your life for the possibility of a better one, would you not do it simply because it's against the principles of "AMURRICUH!!!11!"? Remember, these are the people that make those cheap TV dinners at Wal-Mart possible. They essentially run the farms and factories where your food comes from. Open your eyes.

Just Another Way McCleary Screwed Me Up

Western Washington University has this nifty program called Blackboard through which students can have access to documents used in class and such. Some teachers post grades on this program. Until recently, it used to show your grade for individual assignments as well as a comparison to the average score. This comparison to the average was helpful in showing me if I did well or poorly. For example, if I got a B- on a test, I didn't feel so badly if the average was a C, but if the average was a B+, I would not feel so great.

Within the last few months, Blackboard has changed dramatically, and I was surprised and rather upset to find that our grades are no loner compared to the class average. How am I supposed to know if I did well or not?! Then I thought, wait. My best should be compared to ME, not other people. And then I wondered where this obsession with comparing myself to other people came from.

I thought back to my previous schooling and found the answer. When I was in late elementary school and all throughout middle school, students would pass their papers to a fellow classmate to grade. The teacher would read off the answers out of the grade book while someone else was responsible for grading someone else's assignment. Then, to save time, no doubt, the teacher would move to his/her computer. One by one, he/she would call out students' names. Whoever graded that person's paper would call out that person's grade in front of the class.

The issue was first created by having our answers seen by another person. What if you messed up and looked like a fool? Well, being obsessive about grades, I often did very well on my assignments, so I usually didn't have much to fear. But because I was known as the smart person of the class, it was always a huge deal when someone else got a better grade. Of course everybody knew if they got a better grade than me because our grades were shouted across the classroom daily. Even from my friends, I would receive a slap in the face if I did worse than anybody. Doing better than me was a huge accomplishment for other people, and they made sure they let me know how pleased they were to be better than the smart girl. The situation worsened in 8th grade when my friend from Alabama moved to McCleary and joined my class. He was clearly smarter than me (than I?), but I worked much harder, and I spent my 8th grade year trying to be better than him, and everybody knew the competition I had. My bad grades were always rubbed in my face.

Due to those experiences in my early schooling, I have continued to compare myself to other people constantly. So perhaps this lack of class average on Blackboard is a step in the right direction. But darn it, McCleary, you really screwed me up.

Love,

Elie

Various Babblings That Deserve Far Better Articulation

I don’t talk about my brother very much, mostly because we don’t have very much in common. In short:

My brother is a Marine, currently stationed in Afghanistan, with a home, wife, and dogs (I think three) in Arizona. I’m a comparatively yuppie college kid studying music in the Pacific Northwest.

He likes music that a lot of normal people his age like, ie Sublime, mainstream rock, country, hip-hop, etc. I think. I haven’t talked to him about music in awhile. I like music that’s often bizarre for the sake of being bizarre.

My brother likes big trucks driving around in the mud and going really fast. I like wimpy little hybrid cars that can do little more than get around town (if any I have to like any cars at all).

My brother’s in the military. I’m essentially a pacifist.

Even on the psychological level, I’m really introverted and passive, while my brother is definitely extroverted and active.

Other than the fact that we are brothers, we look like brothers, and our voices sound the same over the phone (which my grandma never fails to mention when I talk to her), it’s hard to find anything in common between my brother and me. But our parents are the same, we grew up together; we are family. Still, I rarely talk to him anymore, not because I don’t care about him, but because I’m caught up in my own little world, and I figure he’s caught up in his own little world, and I figure we won’t have much to talk about anyways, and we won’t really see eye-to-eye on much.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Maybe I don’t appreciate my family enough. Maybe I don’t really “get” family. Probably both. But no, I do appreciate my family; I’m just very bad at showing my appreciation. Whenever anyone else talks about their family and how close they are, my mind is boggled a little bit. I can’t imagine actually being “close” to my family, mostly because my dad is so alienating and my extended family is even more different than the way I even think.

Family in general is just something of an anomaly to me, which is probably one of the many reasons I have absolutely no desire to have one. Why don’t I understand it? How did I end up this way, when my dad often expresses how family is “numero uno”? My dad is such a strange person, and I doubt I’ll ever actually understand him. Likewise, I doubt he’ll ever actually understand me.

Ugh. Life. I can’t wrap my mind around it. Hence, I throw these thoughts out the window and just try to make the most of it on my own.

Anyways, back to my original purpose for writing this, I think: my brother, Carl, is in Afghanistan, where people kill one another over religious and nationalist and tribal bullshit. I can’t imagine what it’s like knowing that a group of people outside my bed want to kill me and everyone around me. He chose this life, yes, but no one should have to experience that. War is absolute crap. Yes, I “support our troops,” because I want them to come home where they belong, my brother included. You don’t have to support “missions” and wars to be patriotic.

I love America. There are many worse places. But I’ll be damned if this place couldn’t be better, starting with our leaders’ general gung-ho attitude about our place in this world.

Is war ever truly necessary? Of course. That’s the one thing I can’t stand about it. World War II. How many more lives would have ended if we didn’t fight back? How many lives ended because we fought back? What if we’d never needed to fight back? What if we’d fought back earlier? Would our view of the war be different? I don’t know. It scares me that we have the capability now to end all life on this planet in an instance, and I really, really hope we, as a species, don’t put that capability to use.

In other words: cherish your life, cherish your loved ones, cherish the people that you don’t really like at all. You never know when they’ll be gone. Be thankful for what you have. Happy early Independence Day.

--Jon

Vegetarian Criticism

I kind of hate that this is my third post about this, and my second in the past few days, but I feel the need to address it.

For a few reasons, I've been pretty adamant about not pushing my new-found vegetarian views onto my friends and others. One reason is because it's such a recent thing, and although I definitely plan on doing this for the rest of my life, at this point I understand that it would be hard for most to believe this given the number of people that try vegetarianism or veganism for a short period of time and then decide to go back to eating meat. The second reason I've been relatively quiet about this recent lifestyle-choice-change is because I know there are some vegetarians that are very pretentious, elitist, forceful, and just plain mean to meat-eaters about their diet and such. I don't want to be one of those people. What I choose to consume is my own choice, and what someone else chooses to consume is theirs.

The third reason I don't like talking about becoming/being a vegetarian has become more apparent since becoming one. People will criticize me for it every chance they get. Often time, they will criticize me based on common misconceptions, assumptions, stereotypes, and misunderstandings. I've been accused of being a vegetarian simply because Elie did, and I'm just following her because I want her to like me more or something. As a matter of fact, if you read my last posts, you'll find this is false; Elie decided to follow my choice (although it was probably less hard for her, as she already ate far less meat than me). I became a vegetarian by my own accord, although it was largely influenced by arguments presented in videos by YouTube's popular vegetarian/other-stuff guy Onision, as well as by things I've learned in environmental studies and environmental science. Even in those classes, though, I tried to play devil's advocate and imagine that they were presenting the extremest side of things. This was a hard position to defend. All things considered, vegetarianism is the most rational choice to make from what I can see.

People tell me that humans evolved to eat meat, that the reason our brains became such enhanced specimens is because of the nutrients we got from eating meats, and the reason we were able to eat it is the incisors in our teeth. This may be true, but it's also true that we can now obtain these nutrients without eating meat. We now have the choice to eat meat or not to. Most people choose to eat meat because it is socially accepted and because it's traditionally what is available to those that need the nutrients found in them. Because alternatives are available, I'd rather not directly create demand for the killing of animals, simply because I cherish their lives too much.

I watched videos of animals being brutally and cruelly killed (although the videos were assembled by PETA, who I admit has rather questionable tactics; regardless, animals are slaughtered, and I can barely watch), and I told myself that if I wanted to keep eating meat, I should be able to watch it without feeling remorse. I failed my own test. Honestly, I thought I would pass. At the time, I enjoyed a nice, juicy double bacon cheeseburger as much as the next guy. Now, after watching a cow's or a pig's throat get slit while it's still conscious and screaming in agony, that cheeseburger doesn't seem so appealing.

When considering all environmental factors and everything, vegetarianism does less total harm to the planet, too. This is a very important factor. I've been trying to be environmentally conscious for the past several years, and this is the next step in that growth process for me. Helping keep this miracle of a planet as habitable as possible for future generations of all living things is important to me.

If you're reading this and you're a meat-eater who would criticize me, I challenge you to test yourself the same way that I did. Watch some videos of farm animals being slaughtered. Then cook yourself a cheeseburger or your meat of choice while watching it. Do you still feel like you're making the right choice?

In short, stop criticizing me. I'm not judging you, so stop judging me. I'm not going to force my beliefs on you. If you don't bring it up, I won't. If you offer me meat, I'll simply say, "No thanks, I don't eat meat," and it can end there if you want it. I'd like it to. Just leave me and my choices alone, because even after only a couple of these kinds of conversations, I'm already sick of answering the same aggressive questioning and rebutting the same inane accusations.

--Jon

It's Summer and I'm Sitting in a Classroom

As I was reading through some of the older blog posts from Squirrel Baggers United, I came across a few posts I had written about stress. And yes, this is yet another blog post about stress. You may skip if you wish.

My summer classes started this week, and my stress level has hit the roof. My brain is like, "Reading? Aaaah! Projects? Aaaah! Lesson plan? Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" It's like my brain has forgotten that I've done all this before (maybe minus these in-depth lesson plans). So brain, please just calm the heck down.

While I've been stressing, I've been thinking. The issue is that I'm now learning how to teach and being graded on it. I'm terrified that I'll not like what I'm learning, which means I won't like the content I'll be teaching as a professional, and/or that I'll get a bad grade which means I am not a good teacher now. I'd like to think I'll LOVE what I teach (even if it's grammar) and that I'm already a pretty decent teacher, although I know I have a lot to learn. I just can't stand the idea of getting a B on a lesson I've taught. So now my brain is freaking out in anticipation of any of these things happening.

I keep telling myself that once I receive a grade on my first lesson plan and lesson I actually carry out, I'll feel better. But what if I do horribly? Shut up, brain. Just shut up.

Oh, I also realized that today is the 23rd of June. Where did the month go? It's almost July. That means summer is like half over. Then it dawned on me that I'll be a teacher before long, especially if time keeps moving at such a ridiculous speed (it didn't used to go this fast, I swear). So now I'm like "I need to become a great teacher NOW. There's not much time left!"

The more I write this down, the more ridiculous I feel. Okay, so getting a B on a lesson plan isn't going to kill me. It may not even mean I'll be the world's worst teacher.

Just calm down. Sheesh.

Happy summer, everyone.

--Elie

I M 4 Rlz

^^^translation: I am for reals.

With that out of the way, in the last post I made about vegetarianism, it was more of a "I'll try," "hopefully" kind of thing. Well, in the words of Yoda, "Do or do not; there is no try." And I am doing. Meaning, I am now "officially" (whatever that means) a vegetarian. Eating meat is a no-no for me nowadays. But I'm not going to eat that stupid imitation meat crap; most of the ones I've tried taste like crap. And that's just lame. Tofu, beans, etc is where it's at.

Today I was riding my bike from my house to Port Angeles, and I passed a field of cows. I stopped by one that was near the fence; its eyes were absurdly pretty. I couldn't eat that! Meat doesn't look appealing to me anymore, especially the more it looks like part of an animal's body. That was part of what made meat okay to eat before; often it didn't look like a creature's flesh. But now I'm forcing myself to think about the fact that it IS a creature's flesh, and I shouldn't be eating it. Or at least, I don't think I should be. I have too many other options, to the point that I do not feel comfortable eating an animal.

As a disclaimer... if some sort of apocalypse or complete societal breakdown were to happen, and my options became more limited... I would likely eat meat. But I don't think that's going to happen any time soon.

--Jon

My Place and Amy's Place

Hello world! It is summer!

With my roommate gone, the apartment is empty and incredibly quiet (not like she was loud anyway), and Jon is at his home. Well shoot, there went 97% of the people I interacted with.

At first, right as classes were ending, I was like, this is going to be great. I can stay up late reading books and watching movies and not have to get up early and go to class. I can cook real food (more real than throwing some vegetables and cheese onto a tortilla, adding heat, and calling it a quesadilla), read a million great books, hang out downtown Bellingham, go the the park...

And all that was working out fabulously. But then Jon left and I thought, oh my goodness. I'm on my own now. Nobody's here to take care of me or take the bus with me to fun places. Feeling sorry for myself, I tried to keep myself busy. Then I thought, I'm doing this wrong. Normal people are working. At jobs. Real people have jobs. And they talk to people (and drink...mostly drink). I'm not a normal person. Why aren't I normal? Why am I doing this wrong?

I tried to remind myself that finding a part-time job in Bellingham would probably be nearly impossible...and I don't really want a job. I'm happy getting paid here and there from Fair Portia...which is sort of a job.

As I continued to feel sorry for myself, I finally got in touch with this guy running this organization-type-thing which brings college students to a local teen shelter called Amy's Place (google "Amy's Place Bellingham" - I dunno how to put a link into this blog). I got to the shelter at 6:00 pm and stayed until closing at 11:00 pm.

While I was there, I sorted and organized clothes and chatted with some of the people, both volunteers and local homeless and/or battered peopled aged 18 to 25. I was nervous before going there tonight, as I hadn't been there before. Although I want to teach inner-city youth, I was afraid that my first interaction with these people at the shelter wouldn't go well. I thought that I wouldn't be able to converse with them and would be too busy thinking, oh my god. They're homeless and on drugs. I have my own apartment and go to college and have nice shoes. They'll hate me.

Actually, it all went well. Some of the youths talked about being beaten by their parents and others talked about taking drugs, but I surprised myself by not being judgmental. I knew these people were good-hearted, even if they took drugs, and I didn't pity them to the extent where I wasn't comfortable talking to them. It just made me want to help them.

Once again, I found myself wondering if I should be a teacher. I looked around at the building and saw all the wonderful clothes, food, furniture, and friendship Amy's Place has created, and I had a desire to devote my life to this. But my place is in the classroom, and I do believe I can help students to succeed at and say in school. Shelters and schools are both vitally important, and I choose school as my area of focus.

Maybe I'm still not feeling like a normal person who should be working and not living off her grandmother's money, but at least I did something worthwhile today.

--Elie