I Finished the Book in 9 Days

I finished House of Leaves. Jesus. The book was amazing. The ending was perfect. Wow.

Need I say any more?

My First Time Buying an ACTUAL Book In a Long Time... And I'm Thinking of Returning It

Right now, it is 4:18 AM. I haven't slept at all. Perhaps I should start with my trip to the bookstore.

I wanted to get the WWU Bookstore's quarterly coupon book. I rarely use many of the coupons, but I usually use a few. However, I needed to buy something. Rather than just get a pencil, I instead browsed the books. I considered getting Fight Club or 1984 or Stephen Colbert's I Am America, and So Can You! I started reading a book called (quite ironically, looking back now) The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To, but it failed to retain my interest. Then I remembered a book I had been considering reading for awhile now... Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves.

I had heard about the book via an xkcd strip that parodied the book. I read the product descriptions and review on the Amazon page that followed and was very intrigued. I think I read the book in a chair in the bookstore for about half an hour, maybe more, before deciding to buy it. I bought some MSG-ified lunch, ate it, and continued reading for another hour. I went to class earlier. Read some more. Took notes in class. Walked to band. Read more. Played percussion in band. Read more. Came home. Read a LOT more. For those of you that don't know me... this isn't something I usually do.

Or maybe it is, and maybe this book is constructed specifically for people like me, who can't pay attention to one thing for too long? I was thinking about this today; I tend to get very caught up in stories (more on that later...), but if a story stays stagnant too long, I lose interest (I probably have undiagnosed ADD of some sort). It's the same reason [good] video games appeal to me I think; the gameplay gives my ADD a break from the storyline and vice versa; the way it's constructed allows my brain to follow it more easily. Maybe that's [part of] why I was so initially enraptured by the book.

I stopped reading at about 11 o'clock, I think. I won't get into the book's subject at all, but it didn't settle well with me. The supernatural and the unknown tend not to. There was definitely something not natural about the book's subject and contents, even though I suspect that even the book's characters are fabricating the events that they're relating to me, the reader. After avoiding sleepiness for a long time, I finally caved in and decided it was time to hit the sack.

Kind of.

Only I kept stalling. As a rare occurrence, I had my desk light on. It made me feel a little more comfortable. I didn't want to turn it off. I haven't turned any lights off yet since the sun's gone down. I was afraid to turn the light off. I AM afraid to turn the light off. I keep thinking of a few key passages in the book about how the characters' perceptions of darkness started changing, and how something was in it, something never seen, but always lurking, always just beyond their field of vision (I just heard a sound outside [wind against a flagpole] and just about pissed myself). It's not that I think that something actually exists, but... I'm afraid that when I turn the lights off and get lost within my thoughts, I will think that.

I actually did manage to get into bed (though I kept my [very bright] desk lamp on). I tried listening to music. But I had a hard time even closing my eyes. The wind outside hasn't been helping. I'm very anxious. And this is why I'm considering returning the book. But how embarrassing would that be? Returning a recreational book? Because it scared me?!

Horror stories have fascinated me for years, somehow. And yet every time I come to them, they incapacitate me with unnatural and irrational fear. I think it revolves around how I just get sucked into stories; I find myself really relating to characters in stories as if they were nearly-real (never actually real; never real enough to be seen with my eyes, standing in front of me). I find myself anxious to see or hear what happens next in a story, almost as anxious as I am to see or hear what happens next in my life. I spend a lot of time daydreaming in my head, just "spacing out." This, too, likely has a connection to the experiences I have with stories of all kinds. It's not like I think the stories are real... but often in my daydreaming I will quickly alternate between thoughts of actual events, hypothetical events, and fictional events; that is to say, things that have happened already or are happening, things that might happen in the future or that I wish would happen or wouldn't happen etc, and the made-up stories I read, hear, and see. Sometimes they interplay with each other more than they should I think. Again, I'm not a schizophrenic; I never believe that untrue events become true. Sometimes I just get lost in my thoughts.

And this is probably why scary stories so truly scare me, especially at night, when I have nothing but my own thoughts and darkness (or even with the lights on, my small room and the endless darkness outside). When my daydreams are all I have, they get that much closer to reality, becoming the dreams and nightmares that I have when I sleep, which, often when I am having them, are very real to my perceptions.

Does this mean that something is wrong with me? Wrong is probably the wrong word. Not usual might be more appropriate. Thought it could become wrong if more nights come without sleep. It's not like this is a developing case; this is how I've been for some time. I remember how deeply terrified I was after watching The Ring for the first time, or when I played Silent Hill, or when I was a child, watched Child's Play, Halloween... I'm sure there were others. They scared me, but I was somehow intrigued by them. Now, these movies and games seem mostly silly, especially when real life constitutes my day.

If I avoid the stories that stir such fear in me, as I have been for the past couple of years, does that make me a coward? Maybe I have too much downtime, too much time to sit and think. But surely, people read, people watch movies. People read scary books and watch scary movies. It's not as simple as just staying busy and ignoring the things that scare me. Perhaps just this once, I'll confront my fears and read this book in its entirety. Perhaps afterwards, I'll give the book to someone else, purge it from my life, and henceforth go on with my life without wandering into the distractions of these fear-inducing tales.

We'll see how I hold up. I don't think I'd mind being a coward.

--Jon

p.s., I am confident that when they day begins, I will feel fine again (aside from the sleep deprivation, of course). If I leave the book, things will get back into the same regular flow they were in. Maybe my life needs some interruption? Maybe not. In my current very-very-tired state, everything get jumbled, especially when I'm alone. The daylight will shine more than a little light on everything.

Final Fantasy XIII: Awesome, but... (a game review)

Boy oh boy, was I excited for this game. This summer I played through Final Fantasy X, and it was an amazing experience. I attempted to play through XII, and was extremely disappointed. But after years of footage and images and news stories piling up and showing that this game might be a new favorite, I started getting more than a little STOKED. Overall, I'd definitely have to say that excitement paid off, but not without a few cringes and eye-rolls.

I'll start off with the things that I loved about this game. First of all and easiest to agree on and talk about, the graphics. Wow. The transition between CG and in-game graphics is getting close to being seamless, and the world presented is totally gorgeous. Look here for an example (just skip to about 4 minutes in; that would be the opening of the game, which throws you right into the action).

The gameplay is rather awesome; arguably one of the best battle systems that the series has seen, aside from Final Fantasy X. I'm quite glad they did away with the boring MMORPG-like shittiness of XII and decided to bake up a fresh take on the ATB system that's both exciting and strategic. The crystarium system, the new vehicle of character growth, is also great; it's a bit similar to the sphere grid of Final Fantasy X, but a little easier to work with. Many people have expressed strong dislike of the linearity of the game, but I didn't mind so much; I'd say it's largely a reflection of the nature of the storyline (being fugitives constantly on the run doesn't give you much time to wander around cities where everyone wants you dead). I think people have just been spoiled by Western RPGs like Fallout, Elder Scrolls, and Dragon Age, which I would argue lack any kind of focus. Personally, I enjoyed the streamlined gameplay; it makes the storyline, IMO the most important part of the game, more up-front, and makes it all make sense.

Now, what I really want to talk about: the plot [SPOILER ALERT]. The plot started out being among my favorites in the series. The game's primary setting is Cocoon, an enormous Death Star-like world (but even BIGGER) that floats above Pulse, a more naturey world seen by Cocoon citizens as Hellish; anyone that comes into contact with anything from Pulse is seen as a virus and immediate threat to society that needs to be wiped out on the spot. Both worlds are run by gods known as fal'Cie that tend to the humans like pets. Long ago, Pulse and Cocoon warred, with no particular winner.

After the game's opening, six characters are thrown together via some sort of chance happenings and bound to the same fates; they have been marked by Pulse fal'Cie and made into tools of their home's destruction (l'Cie). Now all of them are on the run, trying to figure out how to get loved ones back, avoid their pursuers, stay alive, and figure out how to get rid of their marks, lest time runs out and their turn into monstrous, mindless, zombie-like beings (Cie'th). In their journey across their home of Cocoon, we are shown flashbacks of the thirteen days before the game's opening, which shed light on present events. Namely, two of the six characters are revealed to be from the lower-world of Pulse, having awoken from a several-hundred-year-crystal-sleep and caused the characters to be in the bind they're now all in. It's a very emotional journey, with some pretty prominent and tough themes (destiny, loyalty, government/religion-led fear-mongering, forgiveness). The pacing of it is just right, and kept me on the edge of my seat, even if we were just wandering through a junk-heap or a manufactured forest/bioweapon-production lab.

However, about halfway through the game, everything is shattered by a crazy plot-twist: the characters were being guided and kept alive by a rogue Cocoon fal'Cie that wants to destroy its world as a sacrifice to bring back its super-God Maker, which created the world and left it in disarray. This is all revealed right after he kills the only primary villain up to that point. At this point, despite some of the most epic boss battle music ever, the game really loses some of its focus. The characters end up on Pulse (which is a bit less hellish than the government would have liked its citizens to know) and wander around aimlessly for awhile (ironically, this is when most people seem to think the game gets better). Eventually they end up at two of the characters' former homes, now overrun by monsters, Cie'th, and a mysterious, light crystal snow (which, unfortunately never is explained). This part is probably the best since that goofy plot twist. After another encounter with the aforementioned rogue fal'Cie, Barthandalus, the characters go back up to Cocoon to stop its destruction.

The invasion scene that accompanies this is completely ridiculous and anime-like, having probably been done by the same people that made the similarly ridiculous Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. Anyways, the characters make it through the city, all epic-like, and the game picks up and starts being good again. Then, suddenly, it seems like the writers of the game got to crunch time and started running out of ideas, so they killed off a really awesome character without even a shred of emotion, and then threw everyone into a tedious labyrinth to the final boss. Amidst that fight, things get REALLY ridiculous and confusing... and then they get even MORE ridiculous and confusing... until the ending movie of the game, which made me throw my palm to into my face. Suddenly, boom, EVERYTHING IS HAPPY. Even though the characters kind of fucked up by almost fulfilling their literally-god-given-duty of destroying their home-world... they and their world is saved by what they call a "miracle," and what I call "bad writing," and/or "bad planning." That super-God "Maker" guy I talked about? Never even shows up. They could have really done something with that if he had, and accentuated some of the themes of the game. They could have done a lot of stuff that would have made the game more awesome than it was. Instead, it's just kind of awesome. Fortunately, they're thinking of doing a direct sequel to this game, which hopefully will be better than Final Fantasy X-2, and could tie up some very, very loose ends.

Another complaint I have about this plot is the lack of depth at some points. How did Lightning and Serah's parents die? How did that affect them? How did Snow meet Serah? How did Sazh's wife die? How did that affect them? What happened to Vanille and Fang's hometown? Does the Maker actually exist, or is it just some myth that the fal'Cie made up? Or is that question meant to go unanswered? Whatever happened to Hope's father? Where WERE Serah and Dajh when they were in crystal suspension? What happened to the rest of NORA (I did like that they at least appeared in the final chapters of the game, but...)? It's these sorts of unanswered questions that frustrated me the most. [SPOILER ALERT OVER]

Despite all the negative stuff about the plot, I still loved most of it. My eyes almost got watery at a couple of points, and I found my heart beating fast and my hands clenched at the controller at some of the more poignant points in the story. The game was incredibly fun to play. The soundtrack was AMAZING. I wouldn't have wanted anyone other than Masashi Hamauzu to take over the series' music (except maybe Yasunori Mitsuda); I really admired his work on Final Fantasy X. He does even better on this soundtrack. His adaptations of the chocobo theme are ingenious, and unlike the music to XII (man, it really seems like I'm hating on that game... probably rightfully so), he manages to make epic, blood-pumping music that is really enjoyable to listen to. He also did a phenomenal job with his usage of leitmotifs throughout the game.

I think I've talked enough about the game. It was good! Go play it!

FINAL SCORE: +3.7 (on a scale of -5 to +5)

--Jon

Custodians

There's this one custodian who cleans a certain building at Western who is always there mopping the floor when I go to my meetings. The custodian, a small, old man, stops his cleaning to let me walk past. He's usually unsmiling and rather unhappy looking (I'm not too sure what reason he'd have to smile, as cleaning the floor is really not that fun), but lately I've smiled at him and said "hello" or "excuse me" or something, and he always cheers up and says something kind in response.

The other day, I was in the performing arts building, and there were two custodians hauling a large cart of clearing supplies down the hall. I needed to go down the same hall they were about to go down, and one of the custodians respectfully opened the door for me and let me go first, and I thanked him. I came to another door in the hallway (come to think of it, those doors are completely pointless), and I performed the polite and normal act of holding the door so they could push the large cart through. Rather than just saying "thanks," one of them said, "Thank you! Not many students would do that for us." I talked with them a little bit about doors, and although it wasn't the most interesting conversation, I realized that few people realize what custodians do for us. If we encountered a professor in the hall, even if we didn't know that professor, we'd at least simile and acknowledge their existence. I feel as though we almost always ignore custodians and pretend they aren't there.

I bet custodians realize that they're under-appreciated, and we, as students, can make a huge difference in their lives by at least smiling at them and telling them "good morning." But I'm not saying that we should feel sorry for or suck up to them; I'm simply stating what I have observed and concluded. I encourage everyone to befriend a custodian, because they are some of the nicest people I've ever met.

--Elie

Craziest Week Ever!

It's not even Finals Week yet, and I have a final every day this week except Monday. On top of THOSE finals, I have to finish two 800 word lecture reviews that I procrastinate on, prepare for finals and juries next week, prepare a radio show for this weekend, prepare for practically-sight-reading with the orchestra this weekend, entertain my parents when they visit me this weekend, band concert this weekend, band concert I just finished, attend the last club meetings of the quarter, and on top of that all I figured out the next four years of my life last night, and it looks like I'll be in college for a total of 5.6 years. And beside all of this, I bought Final Fantasy XIII. It's fantastic. But I have no time to play it because of all of this stuff going on! BLAARGH! This is madness!

...Madness...?

THIS.

IS.

COLLEGE.

--Jon

p.s., on a side-note, I'm in the Wind Symphony next quarter, we're playing an awesome epic piece, and the composer will be in residence! Huzzah! AND. Bianco will have the biggest Mahler hammer ever. :D

I'm Wasting My Time at College

Man, I really need to post an up-beat blog. Maybe someday...

Anyway, as winter quarter ends and registration for spring quarter begins, I'm realizing more and more that I'm waiting my time at college. It's not like I have nothing to do or that I hate what I'm doing, 'cause I'm doing a lot of stuff that I really love. But I'm only taking 3 classes that count towards my major each quarter. What a waste of time! My credits are fluffed with a mentoring class (which is great for practical experience, but doesn't count towards my education major, ironically), and band/lessons. Together, that's 4-6 credits that aren't going towards a degree. And I'll already be in college for an abnormally long period of time due to my large major and endorsements.

For a few days, I was convinced I was going to take four classes towards my major next quarter, and volunteer for the mentoring program and band, so I would be taking an equivalent of 22 or 23 credits. It didn't sound that scary because band, lessons, and the mentoring program don't give out homework. Basically, I'd only have to do homework for four classes. But then I realized I would have NO time to do homework or do my practicum work. So I cannot take four classes for my major/endorsement; I can only take three. So now I'm back to shuffling my feet through college, only taking a few classes at a time. This cannot be a good way to spend my time, but there's no way I can NOT see my 5th graders or participate in the music program or in my clubs. Ug. I'm so conflicted!

Blog gods, please guide me in the right direction. Amen.

~Elie

"Advice, Like Youth, Probably Just Wasted On the Young"

"Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen."

--by Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune Columnist

It's Been Awhile [What's Up! Pre-Awards Show 2010 review]

It's been awhile since I was unable to sleep due to ear-ringing and adrenaline-rush. That's right--tonight I attended my first show in quite some time, and it was quite enjoyable. First of all, the lighting was excellent. Unfortunately, my spot at the very front had some downsides; namely being in between speakers prevented me from hearing some stuff, particularly during Idiot Pilot's set.

Sugar Sugar Sugar was the opening band, and at the first few chords and drum-hits, I wasn't very impressed; sounded like a typical pseudo-"classic-rock" band. Then the vocals came in... and it was not at all what I expected. No Brian Johnson or Bon Scott or Robert Plant or Mick Jagger impressions; more of a Prince impression than anything. As the set went on, I took them for what they were; a pretty damn entertaining local rock band. Good set.

Next was Rooftops. The first time I saw them, they were "the Acoustops" opening for Pan Pan (or was it the other way around? Can't remember) in the Underground Coffeehouse. Electric instruments definitely suit them better. Super-mathy virtuosic guitar pop is the best way to describe them. Sarah Jerns of Pan Pan joined them on flugelhorn/trumpet on a couple tunes, which was quite the nice addition. IMO, they're just a taaaad too noodly, but overall I enjoyed it.

Next was Yogoman Burning Band, the very fun ska/reggae/dub/whatever band that tried to make me dance when I wanted to stand and enjoy the music. I don't have anything against people who want to dance (until they started dry-humping in front of me, or when bro Sublime-fans start ramming into me), but it irritates me when a band says (this is almost actually a direct quote) "If you're not dancing, you should be." NOPE. Regardless, their music was very nice, tight, fun, and groovy. I liked it.

Next up was Idiot Pilot. Fortunately for people like me but unfortunately for the ego of the closing band, a bunch of people left before they went on. They totally rocked it, though. Only three songs from their [superior, IMO] debut album, "Strange We Should Meet Here," but they were good ones ("A Day in the Life of a Poolshark," eponymous track, and set-closer "To Buy a Gun"). Lots of jumping, thrashing, screaming, belting, electro clicks, and just energy in general. Very glad I finally got to see them live.

On the way home, the bus was totally full of possibly drunk college students doing their Friday night thing, and then on Ferry Ave I saw a couple of deer. I'm going to bed now. Good night!

--Jon

The Teen Pregnancy Welfare Dilemma

Some quick and probably rather uneducated thoughts about welfare:

I understand where angry conservatives are coming from when they bash on welfare. They don't want their tax dollars going to someone who doesn't learn from their mistakes, who takes it, makes more mistakes, and then takes more money. It's understandable. They don't want their money going to teenagers who were "stupid" enough to have sex unprotected, and then got pregnant.

Okay, fair enough. Teens shouldn't be monetarily rewarded for getting pregnant in high school. It's their own fault, etc. What these people never seem to think about, however, are the children of these kids. We focus so much on "teen moms" (hell, apparently there's a reality show called "Teen Moms") that we forget about the ones that matter and that suffer the most; their children. These kids will quite often grow up in an incredibly negative environment, with parents that don't know how to be parents, that don't have enough money to buy them the essentials, that use the money they do have irresponsibly [I know, this isn't how every teen parent does things]. As a result, by the time they get into school, they haven't developed adequately to the point that they are ready to learn, and then they get held back, and then they don't get enough help with homework, and then they end up just like their parents did. And then, lo and behold, 16 years later, they get pregnant. Just like their parents.

Does welfare help this problem? Sometimes, probably. But also often not, I'm guessing. I don't have the statistics. Maybe Elie will? In any case, here's my question: how do we protect and make a better life for these kids before it's too late for them?

--Jon

I Think Life is Trying to Tell me Something

The blog I wrote a few weeks ago, right as school was about to start, was all about how I was stressed. Let's see. I was stressed about being too busy, stressed about getting to see my 5th graders, stressed about getting good band music and not being demoted, stressed about my sink breaking, etc.

I wasn't too busy. In fact, I'm not nearly as panicked as I was last quarter. The irony is that I'm taking 20 credits now whereas, last quarter, I only took 13 credits without being in Whatcom Wind Ensemble.

I got to see my 5th graders. For about 3 days I was nearly in tears all day because I thought I wouldn't get to go back to see them and I was incredibly frustrated because of that. But it all worked out.

I got fabulous pieces in band. In fact, I got solo clarinet on the best piece we're playing. So not only was I not demoted, but I was promoted to basically being the number one clarinetist for at least that one song. My ego grew like 15 times what it was before...

And then I started to stress about whether I could actually play my solos, either because I suck at reading music or because I would get nervous and mess up - or both. But, the one time I got the opportunity to play the solos, I did it well, and now I'm more excited than nervous. Again, worried for nothing. And I'm practically the solo clarinetist on half the music we're playing in Whatcom Wind Ensemble simply because I'm on the of the only clarinetists period, and it's not freaking me out!

Before all this stuff happened, my sink leaked a whole bunch on my birthday. I thought I would have to move to another apartment, would be fined for water damage, have horrible mold everywhere, have the landlord mad at me, and have my roommate mad at me. But everything was fixed and nothing was pinned on me.

For everything that I've been really stressed about, I've realized that I stressed for nothing. This happens over and over. I think that fate is creating these stressful situation to prove to me that there is nothing to worry about. But does this help my stress level? No. I keep thinking that luck has been on my side all these times that it's going to work against me soon. But that's illogical. I even considered going to the WWU counseling center for free counseling for this lovely stress and anxiety of mine, but I just want to be able to pop a few pills (this coming from someone who hates taking drugs of all kinds, be it vitamins or advil) to make me calm. But then that would cost money and would probably be the less-healthy route. Something needs to change, though, and I don't know how to make it happen. *sigh*

-Elie